where to go when lost
who else is in love with clouds?
Leaves falling, temperatures dropping, and anxious thoughts subsiding. The past few months brought feelings of inadequacy and projections of the future that transformed into fear. Fear sent me into a spiral, projected out set expectations of my life which only made matters worse. In the midst of all of it, I sat frozen wondering which direction to move in. I felt lost in a maze of my own design.
Does that happen for other folks? I know it does, having heard similar experiences of inner turmoil from friends. It’s rough when in the middle of it, so what are the action steps to get out of it? The first step I took was speaking my fears out loud, no longer keeping them internal, constantly churning my thoughts into the worst. I often find myself unable to communicate how I am feeling. There are times where I don’t have the proper words to say to express what I need. In these moments, I step down and pace myself. I take a moment to breathe (yes a cliche technique we’ve all heard from our [insert mental health specialist here]) and evaluate to the root of the emotions are.
Usually when I am frustrated, irritated, or angered, the underlying feeling is fear or sadness. Most recently it’s been a lot of fear based responses to my job, my relationships, and my self-worth. It took a private moment with a co-worker and long conversations with friends to understand that is what I’m truly feeling: fear. It’s easy for me to thrust myself into anger when I am confused or sad or feel lost on the path. With understanding and transparency, I’m better equipped to catch this shift in the moment.
I don’t know where my life is going currently. As someone who was meticulously goal oriented and placed the value of my existence on my level of “success,” I’ve come to a point where that is not of highest priority. I love working in the arts, I am grateful for the place I am currently in my career, but I am not able to give away all of my life and my time to my work in the way I used to. Personally, my recovery and the work I do in that realm has taken priority in my life.
Observing other artists in my life, I know there is no set time that identifies an artist’s time is up in their respective industry. I have plenty of time to achieve “great success,” whatever the fuck that means. What is time sensitive is my recovery. It’s a daily practice of self-preservation, of ensuring I meet my needs both mentally and physically.
I believe the feelings of being lost come from a redirection in my priorities. So much of my life was spent trying to climb a ladder that had no end. The past two years shifted my focus towards what am I doing to make real connections in my life, to fully understand what it means to be sober, and to know what is my purpose aside from this ideal that I must be a martyr for my art. Old habits die hard and that urge to thrust myself into my character defects is real. That said, if I be lost in the wilderness of recovery, I must allow myself to roam a bit more instead of running towards self-destruction. To go back to my old ideals of success and life path is to choose something far worse than these temporary feelings of fear.
my one true love, beet crackers.
